Okay, I have to say that I am ashamed of this story but it happened, and I learned from it, so it has to be recorded. It all started when I was Karen Carpenter for Vilja's sister's Halloween dinner party (I was out of character and did actually eat) and got to wear my awesome, authentic GunnE Sax dress. The party was at this incredible old masion and there I was sipping virgin margaritas and conversing with the superstars who graced us with their presence. When it came time for dinner, my place card sat me next to one of Vilja's friends from back home. We had fun, talked, and flirted and he even got my number and talked about doing something the next weekend. He invited me over to watch a movie after the party and I thought "You know this means he just wants to make out with you." But I replied "Shut up! We never have any fun!" So I decided to stop thinking, just go with it, and let things happen (usually not a good idea). Well the whole time my concience kept whispering, "this doesn't really mean anything, it's not right" but I argued, "it's no big deal,why the heck not? everyone has to have a ncmo, right?" It really was incredibly different. It didn't feel the same without any admiration. I was emotionally barren. I felt like it wasn't really me, but just an actor playing their part. The next morning I woke up I feeling so dirty. I just sat there in church thinking about how far I had slid. I never would have done it before, and I had resisted even when I had liked someone for several years but didn't do it because I didn't think he would mean it. I kept thinking about what all the awesome guys I knew from last year would think of me if they knew, and what I thought about girls who had done things like this. I felt even more horrible when Vilja told me about some of the problems he was having, and I made it worse when I could have been a good example. Worst of all I had let myself be objectified. It was definately a wake up call. So he called me a couple times the next week but I was hoping he wouldn't. It's hard to get to know someone if you jump into it like that and the longer people are together the further they tend to go, and that was the farthest I will. The next time I saw him was at the most spectacular party I've ever beheld. I can't even justly describe it. When we pulled up there was this life sized elephant made out of carpet padding and when we walked in the front door the room was like a creepy carnival fun house complete with mirrors, redish yellowish lighting, grotesque clowns, hay on the floor, and a band named Monkey Grinder dressed in carni clothing with the main singer as a ring master wearing stilts, playing the creepiest carnival music about kidnapping children and making them into circus freaks. It was like something from the Goosebumps books I read in third grade. The whole thing was sureal, and what made it worse was the giant blue smurf I had met a week before at the dinner party who kept making advances. I felt sick the whole time. I was there on a date with a guy friend I can truly admire so the contrst was all the more apparent. I think when I look back on that memory in twenty years I won't be able to remember if it was a dream or reality. So he came and talked to me and kept touching me while we were listening to the band but I pretty much ignored him and he left. That night I called him and apologized for not talking to him and for giving him the wrong impression because I had never done that before and would never do it again. He probably thought it was weird that I called, but I felt a hundred times better. I regret the whole thing but I learned a lot from it. I learned the value of real affection. I learned to always be my true self. I learned not to judge others because I make dumb mistakes too. I learned to appreciate my awesome respectful guy friends all the more. Most of all, I got a swift kick in the butt to motivate me to get back what I used to have and become better. That's my story, take from it what you will.
