A wicked love triangle

Too bad his love lies with spam and puca shells. Air guitars and the All American Rejects caught my eye and who can forget that voice like southern lemonade. racist jokes, that's what I needed.

Haha, joking. how's that for cryptic, Kyle?

Senior Year Kicked Off with a Visit to Freshman year

I am now back in Provo sitting in my posh new house which I spent hours gleefully decorating today on the eve of my first day of Senior year here at BYU. I really love my house now. It always takes decorating a new place for me to feel comfortable. I think it's my way of marking my territory. Tonight was my freshman ward reunion and it was at my house. It was just exactly what I wanted it to be. I was so giddy seeing all the boys who just got back from their missions and a lot of girls that I haven't seen for a while. It was hugs all around and good conversation. And a moment I've lived out in my imagination several times in the past two years finally played out to perfection. I finally saw my old boyfriend from Freshman year. My relationship with him was definitely a defining time in my life as he was my first boyfriend and kiss and still holds the title for the longest boyfriend. It really ended horribly with my self-esteem shot and even though over the last two years I've moved on and changed and dated other guys, the old feelings still suddenly creeped back up on me in full force about two months ago when I realized he was back. I thought all my old feelings were gone so I was really surprised but I reached a state of peace after I was able to purge myself by talking and crying one last time to my roommate Serena. I guess I had just never reached closure back then so I was able to create my own and tonight was the final step. I don't think it was even so much about the guy at this point as it was confronting my own negative feelings towards myself. So tonight I got a little nervous just before people started showing up but said a little prayer who's calmed me down. I was just so excited to see everyone because I love them so much and I had so much fun talking to them. Then I saw him walking up the stairs, took a deep breath and smiled. He hugged everyone including me and then we talked to other people because there were about 40 people in my house. For my pride's sake I still didn't want to be the first one to make conversation so I waited until he called out to me from across the room to ask how South Africa was. Well I went over and sat next to him and told him all about it. It was really nice. He told me about Italy and I really enjoyed just talking to him. There was no awkwardness, I was completely calm and confident and it was just how I imagined it in the best possible scenario. So we talked to each other a little throughout the night in groups and I just really enjoyed myself and really let it go. Now I am officially friends with all my old boyfriends. It's not possible at first, but I've reached that time now and it feels really good. I think that we will probably hang out with some of our mutual friends and I'm glad.

Time to start anew

Well it's been exactly a year and a week since I've written here so there's no looking back or catching up, it's time to start anew (okay I will mention that the most significant thing was going to South Africa, but that's bound to come up later). Because I've vowed never to spend more than two weeks in a row in the heat, polution and overcrowdedness of the Arizona valley where I'm constantly sick, I am spending my summer up here in Provo. I'm working as a research assistant at the Women's Research Institute on BYU campus. We're compiling a giant database on the status of women worldwide and I'm curently working on Zambia. It's amazing work becasue I get t familiarize myself with United Nations documents and international affairs concerning women. Plus I get to impress people on a regular basis with my knowledge on the average life span of Malawians and the like. It's also a great opportunity to work with some of BYu's finest people, including the amazing professor I work under, Dr. Hudson. I'm also taking summer classes, Social Psychology and Biology. Did I mention that I switched my major to Social Science Teaching with a Humanities Teaching certificate. So I pretty much get the best of everything. I can teach history, psychology, sociology, economics, geography, and humanities! Much better than my other major where I could only teach history and humanities.

So right now the plan for my life is as follows: One more year of classes at BYU, one semester of student teaching in Washingon DC, one semester where I'm not sure what to do becasue I graduate in Decemeber so maybe an internship or something, and then teaching for a year in North Carolina where I can get residence and then apply for grad school at one of the research triangle schools where I want to get a masters in Social Psychology so I can eventually become a professor. I'm pretty excited about this little plan becasue I've heard that DC is amazing from all the people that have student taught there and I'd be close to Marilyn who is going to school in Baltimore and Hediyeh might go to Med school there. And mmmm, hot, motivated, Mormon, DC grad school boys! I could dig that. It all comes down to the fact that I'm not going back to AZ when I graduate and I'm not staying here so I am free to pick up and move wherever my heat desires. Pretty liberating! I love adventure!

Next year will definately be an adventure, in a different way. Vilja, Celeste and Elisa are all in the MTC right now going on missions to Estonia, Slovania, and Hungary, and Lori and Chelsea will be going to the MTC in September for Hawaii and Alaska. Becca is getting married on Tuesday, Rachel is getting married in August, Marilyn graduated and is heading to Baltimore for dental school and I am staying behind and living with Hediyeh and Thelma while Courtney lives down the street from us. Us four are the only girls in our fantastic group of twelve left in Provo. After lliving with Thelma and Hediyeh this Fall I will have lived with all of then except for Elisa and Becca in the past three years. They are all my best friends since Freshman year where we lived on the same floor in the dorms. The amazing thing is that not only are we all close as a group, but I am individually close to every one of them. They are my sisters and I love them and will miss them terrrbily. For the first time since I came here I will have to make new girl friends. And the other wierd thing is that all the boys are coming back for their missions but I don't know if they'll want to be our firends. I guess life moves on and it's time for everyone to start anew.

Greetings from AZ

Well its definately been awhile since I've updated this thing. Right now I am sitting at my computer in my parent's guest room. I'm about ot settle down into a queen size bed all to myself (probably the only time in my life this will happen, I hope) after a long day that included avoiding the glare of the personal trainer as I slammed down the weights on his machine, attempting to read rather dry text on sociology field studies, scheduling an appointment for such exotic immunizations as typhoid and rabies, finally picking my flight to East London, taking approximately 12 orders, delivering 20 trays of food,making 5 desserts, running 6 credit cards, and cleaning 5 tables, and lamenting to my brother that I missed out on the rights of passage asscociated with childhood team sports. Pretty typical for my summer life at home thus far, which has been about three weeks. Throw a little institute, learning to drive stickshift on a car without power steering, hanging out with my few remaining sober and unmarried friends, and a little bit of pining over the fact that I won't see the likes of Provo and all it entails for another 5 months, or some of my best boys for a year or two and there is a pretty complete picture of my life.

I feel pretty good right now. I wasn't so sure how I would feel about coming home to the hot hot heat of Arizona when Provo was georgous and life there is never dull, but I've been pleasantly surprised. I got to be a big sister on a pioneer treck. Four days of pulling a handcart (18 miles until 3 in the morning the first night), eating camping food (everthing tastes good when camping naturally), wearing rather unauthentic pioneer clothing ( I decided that this time around I would go for a more mature pioneer woman look, therefore my outfit was likened unto Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman), and attempting to be a good example to the young 'uns, was very satifactory. Call it masochistic, but I want to go for the third round as a "Ma" some day. I think the Trek is like child birth, all the pain is magically erased afterwards so that the most reasonable people are willing to do it again. A surprising amount of things are like child birth: school plays, dating, puppies, etc.

I also got to spend time at a family reunion at Big Lake in a region of Arizona I had never been to for some unknown reason, because it really has to be the best part. I spent a five hour drive entertaining and ditracting a three year old, playing action firgures, making faces with Power Ranger underwear on our heads, sharing headphones while listening to classical and Disney music and ignoring prods while I managed to tune out long enough to read a chapter. I have to admit there were a few minutes there when we were driving down the winding canyon without air conditioning that I became pretty irritable and alomst lost my patience, but I slipped in some Enya and my blood pressure dropped back down. I was a little bummed that my favorite family wasn't there, no Grandma or cousin Carrie, and no Ben to entertain me, but it also gave me the chance to get to know my cousin Robin who is really cool and has traveled all over, play with the kids (imagine me running backwards with a laser gun pointing at a nine year old in one hand and a one year old kid on the opposite hip) and try to talk to my uncle's step-daughter who is from Mexico city (between that and working in a Mexican restaurant I wish I knew Spanish soo bad!)

The rest of the summer looks like working as much as possible, which is fun but sad because I love my cooworkers but they all party together and therefore I can't hangout with them outside of work. I'm also planning on taking a four day weekend to go up to the reservation for a squaw dance, whoohoo! I haven't been there in so long and I miss it! I'm not really super excited about Africa for now becasue being that excited for two more months could really wear me out. I'm sure it will hit again a week before. I originally thought I might do a Europe trip on the way there but that's not financially realistic so Me and my awseom friend Maureen are going to fly to Washington DC and do a DC tour for a few days while staying with my cousin and then do a Cape Town trip before we leave South Africa. I'm also going to visit my Little Old Granny in Ohio for a few days on my way out. So everything is shaping up and working out well. Now I just need to get some research related things done, which is still daunting but I know I can do it, and make a whole lot of money waitressing.

I feel like life is pretty good and will just get better!

Overload

I'm pretty stressed out right now. Everything adds up to be overwhelming. There's a lot of awesome mixed in with holy crap! I have been working four hours everday mowing and weed whipping and catering for 6 hours every other day and add this to my new class(which they say will be one of the hardest college clases), research, moving and getting my life in order, and I am super busy. The sad thing is that none of this will let up for the next four months. I have to get 40 hours a week in ordert to support myself while I live here spring and summer and pay for tuition and save money for Africa. I'm afraid I won't have enough money and I don't have enough to buy litterally anything until I get a pay check in two weeks( litterally I have to borrow $20 to pay rent.) Everything will be alright, I will be able to juggle everything. It always starts out this way but then everything will come together. I will be okay, people will be okay. I can just do the best I can. calm down. The good thing is that my condo is incredible and I decorated it so it really feels like home. I can really take pride in it because I am completely supporting myself this summer and this is the first time in my life I am truly independent. It's an exhilarating and scary feeling. Bills and work and real life adulthood. I was weed whipping at a school today watching the children on the playground and wondering when it would be my turn to play. Spring and summer will not be my time for fun like I originally anticipated. At least I really love catering and the people I work with provide some social time. Also I really adore my roomates, Marilyn, Lori, and Celeste. My incredible friend Thelma is staying with us for this week until she goes to Thailand for the summer. We stay up late discussing life. My favorite thing to do. I miss my family terribly too. I don't get to go home for another month. I'm afraid I'm going to use way too many minutes on my new cell phone talking to them and Kim. I don't know if I want to stay summer anymore, but I have to have a job and I might not have one home. And I would have to sell my contract. Well that's something to think about and work on. I have to go back to work now which seems like all I'm ever doing.

Done But Not Done

Finished my last final. Does it feel good? Not quite yet. Now I have to pack and move and clean and find a job and pay my bills. Classes and hopefully work start again Wednesday so it's never really over and I'm never really done. Life is never really done. Each pleasant moment we look forward to will end, and put us back in the state of waiting for the next pleasant moment. Change is in the air and it will give me fresh breath. A new (and might I say awesome) condo, new roomates, new ward, new class, new job, new friends, pretty much a new life just down the street from the old. I had one night of meloncholy when I realized this was ending and I would be losing some great people and missed oportunites would be officially missed, but then I thought of new oportunites, and remembered just how many incredible people live in this town who I don't know yet and how everything always works for my good in the end. Feels good to know that.

Many Colored Lenses

"Life is a train of moods like a string of beads, and, as we pass through them, they prove to be many-colored lenses which paint the world their own hue, and each shows only what lies in its focus." - Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Experience"

Outlooks are so weird and I wonder why mine changes so often between extremities. Maybe I'm bipolar or maybe I'm just human. I wonder why it is that I could be presented with the same situation on two different days and see the world through two different colored lenses that completely change the meaning. No wonder there is so much miscommunication and misunderstanding in this world when my own brain can't even understand itself.